It's funny, sometimes, a simple hello, can evolved into a friendship, and maybe if you're lucky, to something more complex and intimate. To me, after that experience, I would have much prefered a friendship, because I knew I like the freedom of being a bachelorette. Well, I got my wish. I can't believe I would find a friend, no, best friend, in 'teddy'. I used to think, since they were friends, that he would stick up to him and disagree with my decision. But things can suprise you sometimes. He, well, let's just say he was more open-minded, and he knew the relationship wouldn't last anyway. Mainly it's a one-way relationship. I'm sorry to be honest about that, but it's true, I never give anything. I just take. I realise that, yeah, that's why I quit. He might want to win the game, but I don't want to play. And 'teddy' knew and understands as well. I am grateful. I found out that I am actually quite a lucky girl. I have real friends. Friends that will stay true and not used me. A real friendship. Hey, I've always known I am lucky, I just never stopped to think how much...

By the way, I heard a song, and I think it suits me and him... really...

Gotta go my own way
I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us, doesn't seem right, these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan,
Is always rearranged

I'm leaving today, 'cuz I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up, and I watch them fall, every time
Another colour turns to grey
And it's just too hard to watch it all
Slowly fade away

I'm leaving today, 'cuz I've got to do what's best for me
You'll be okay

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

What about us? What about everything we've been through?
What about trust?
You know I never wanted to hurt you
And what about me?
What am I supposed to do?
I gotta leave but I'll miss you

So...
I've got tp move on and be who I am
Why do you have to go?
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
I'm trying to understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I want you to stay
I wanna go my own way

I've got to move on and be who I am
What about us?
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
I'm trying to understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way
Gotta go my own way
Gotta go my own way
Gotta go my own way

It's been quite a while since I updated my blog, but anyway, here's the latest. School starts on January the 3rd, my mum and I agreed to be early to school as it tends to get a traffic jam on the first day. I'm now studying in 4S4, science class, learning everything from my favourite 3 kinds of science subject to the ever boring and useless history (BLEK!). You can't believe who I'm studying with in class this year, him. Him and a bunch of his friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying their bad, just sometimes annoying. But him, yeah, definitely way wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen. This was supposed to be my sweet sixteen year. Why did he had to come butting along, ruining everything?! I know that even after what happened, I should've just let go and be friends, just friends. Like what everyone else kept telling me to. But I'm not everyone, I couldn't. Everytime I saw him, I just wanted to avoid him. Avoid that ugly scene... Still, life goes on, I'm not wasting all my energy avoiding whenever I can just because of a stupid past. I live my life, and with or without him this year, I'll make sure it will be my sweetest sixteen year ever.

Today is the last day of the year 2007. Looking back, this has been a rather eventful year. Plenty has happened, and plenty is going to happen. The start of this year was fine, until I got myself a cut on the face, elbow and knee. I was lucky, those cuts weren't deep, and they healed nicely. But some cuts are never meant to heal, like me and a male friend. Sure, I do like him before, but as I admitted to myself, I am fickle-minded, and that relationship was never meant to last. But then, even if I do managed to rescue myself from the sticky situation, what about him? Has he ever managed to do that? Or is he too naive to think that I would go back? I'm sorry, but I am selfish. I would swear on my head that if it wasn't for me or the people I cared, then no matter how pitiful he or she is, I still had nothing on my conscience. And I would never regret the decision to pull myself out of the mud swamp. Maybe girls like me, were best left alone.

Still, a new year, means new things. And new things, means I have something to look forward to. Hey, so maybe he's there, doesn't mean you can't have fun. Be yourself, no need to be self-conscious, and it will still be a beautiful day. I had enough sorrows this year, but tomorrow, next year, it'll be different. I've set a few goals to achieve next year. Mainly to keep fit, get better results, and if possible, becoming one of the commitee. Hey, I love taking positions, it gives me a sense of power that I love, haha. I know, that next year, tomorrow, it will be my year.

Yesterday I went to school again. Why? The PMR results are here, waiting to be divulge by hundreds of anxious students, some fearing, others confident and cheerful. The looks on these people's faces were enough to tell you much about their results, though there are always exceptions. Me, I was expresionless. To some, I may appear cool and under control of the situation, but inside, it was like a raging sea. My hopes and fears are fighting hard to gain balance, and I was fighting hard to control my emotions. My father kept trying to chide me, but I ignored him. My mother, on the other hand, just said that whatever happens, it won't change anything. Really? Do you mean it? Usually, I never believed it anyway. What with the looks on my family's face and my full-to-burst cousin brother, I felt like someone had just dumped a load of weight on me. As I expected, my cousin called just as I reached the school. To gloat. That he just recieved his results and he passed with straight A's. I could've killed him. Luckily when I saw the number I just passed it to my mother. Let her defend me. I need to stay as cool as possible for the time being, preparing for the worst and the best, and no one is going to disrupt that. Finally, after a long wait, it came anyway. I stayed back. Let the others read their results first. The emotion I felt was too much, unbearable, in fact. After five minutes, I still walked forward towards the sea of students and parents alike. My parents stayed away from a distance. I was grateful for that. At least if it went wrong, they wouldn't need to see it. I peered, and thank God, I passed. Straight A's. The feeling naturally was elated, still I tried to keep it in me, some of my friends were not so lucky, I didn't want them to feel worse. My parents, delighted, but still cool and composed. I had inherited their control over emotional behaviour. The news was passed around my family like hot cakes, and I was floating. That night, I knew I had to keep it up, to wipe off the smirk on my cousin's face once and for all.

It's christmas eve! I woke up early today (which is something really unexpected) and started to tease my dogs... they were incredibly funny, haha... then I took them out for a morning walk...(mmm... the fresh morning air really smells good...) I still haven't realise it's christmas eve until I start reading the newspapers and noticed the date. Ironically I didn't remember it's christmas this year, perhaps it has something to do with my brother gone away for the holidays. Our family never celebrates Christmas, but since my brother's birthday is on Christmas day, there's always at least a cake or a nice dinner at our favourite restaurant, but now with my brother gone, I guess they all thought there was no need to celebrate in this festive season. Still, whether they like it or not, their darling daughter still has a few tricks she wants to try out... And what better time than today, tonight?... I will be sure, on the stroke of midnight, they are going for the most unforgettable Christmas of their lives...hahahaha...

Healing
Heart…
Once hurt so deep,
Now when I look back…
The feeling wasn’t much…

I realize…
I am healing…

Once tears flow…
Now,
I seem to have, a
Heart of steel…

I realize…
I am healing…

Now tears stop…
Once,
I seem to sunk, like
Ship of Titanic…

I realize…
I am healing…

From Hatred,
From Anger,
I have grown
Wiser,
More mature…

He will be happy
When he knows, that
I have grown up,
A lot…

Looking back…
It was…
Unpleasant, yes…
But still,
It taught me…
Lessons in love…

I realize…
I am healing...

I've just remembered, that I'm exactly 15 and a month old today. Memories of my 15th birthday came flooding back just when I thought I had it all under control... great... This year's birthday is just about the worst one I've ever had, and I mean REAL bad. I can't believe that I actually chose to spent it alone, at Queensbay... well, part of it is my fault actually, because I choose it, haha, but at that time I was sad... and I don't want my birthday ruined, so I was actually stupid enough to think that by spending it alone in a mall would cheer things up. Imagine my suprise when I haven't been there for more than an hour before I started regretting my decision. I kept thinking about him, getting angry a lot, feeling small in a big mall, and wishing that somewhere out there, a miracle would happen to brighten things up. But hey, miracles don't happen (not that I ever believe in them anyway), and boy, am I glad when I finally saw my dad's car cruising into the driveway, knowing that my birthday is nearly over... In a weird way, I grew up a lot after this birthday... I learned, that no matter how much you like someone, if they don't return the love, you can at least turn to your family or your friends, because they are the ones who truly cared for you (I want to say thank you, to someone really special, my best friend, xin chen, for calling me in the middle of the night to wish me a happy birthday, and taking his time to listen to my troubles although it's boring and giving me great advice, asking me never to give up on him, although eventually I did. He cared for his friends from his heart... because of that, I honour him from deep down my heart, thank you for all you've done)... I guess, being alone, it cleared up my head a bit, and that night alone in bed, I smiled when I heard my watch beeping, indicating the day is over, and so is my 15th birthday...

Yesterday was like hell at school. It was the annual orientation, the Form-1's are entering JSHS and yesterday they were supposed to register to ensure a place in school next year. And we were supposed to give out leaflets on that day so that everyone know's there's a PRS in school. If I'd known that I'll be handing out leaflets like a salesgirl that day I wouldn't have gone, and yet staying at home is boring, so to be honest, between home and school, I'd rather choose school. But at least our efforts didn't all go down the drain, I can see that some parents were quite interested in the PRS, especially mothers who have daughters, haha... So overall, yesterday wasn't a really bad day after all...