It's time to party! haha, it's time for the holidays! This is just so perfect, my exams are over, and I'm looking at one of the best holidays ever going to Genting Highlands and Kuala Lumpur with my friends, and of course, camp at St. Anne (though that is something I'm not particularly looking forward to). I can't believe it's the holidays now after looking forward to it for so long, all the time while I'm having my exams I often thought to myself how great would be for the holidays to come along, and today, it's all over and all I have to worry is... well, my parents expressions when they got my report card. I can't say it has been a good first half year, my results wasn't exactly great, I am facing some really big troubles with my Physics. It seems I have developed some mental block about them. It's not that I don't understand or hate the subject, but I seemed to have lose all confidence in it, and whenever there is a test my hands sweat and I forgot all I've learned, eventhough I know how to do it. Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on sad things when there is a perfect holiday spread out in front of me, haha. I am going to enjoy every bit of it while I can, and when I return after the holidays, it will be the start of another semester and the start of a new war with my books, haha... Happy Holidays!!!

A letter to you:

I'm sorry... I don't know what can I say other than sorry. It's stupid to say it, I know, when appologizing doesn't even work anymore, but I just want to let you know, I'm sorry...

3rd of April, you finally asked what happened between us. I told you we just drifted apart. It was my fault, I know, that I merely choose my career and studies above everything else. I was selfish, I know, but I was born power-hungry, a workaholic, and I preffered being alone more than anything else. I couldn't change no matter how much I wanted to. Above everything else, I craved for attention and excitement. But don't get the wrong idea, you still managed to let me feel that you are the best...

I cried... you cried... we both cried... when we realized the only thing left was to go seperate ways. You ask for other options, but I know, if we drag it along, one day, when I'm busy again, it will still be the same. And you know it too... you ask me to harden my heart and leave...

Finally, seperated... I thought I'd gotten what I wanted, freedom... But it turned out, I miss you... I miss your messages... I miss your smile... I miss our bickering... I miss what I had lost...

You promised we would stay friends, that the next day you and I will act as if nothing had happened. But why? Why do you avoided me then? Why do I stay quiet all day? Why had we changed when we had a promise not to?

I kept looking at my phone, hoping you would call, hoping against hope when I know that all hope is gone... I finally realized, that I have never really appreciated you, until now, but you have moved on, and I can't chase back what I've lost...

I know with a simple call, a simple message, we would both join hands and walk the path so dark, lighten because another is near, but my pride would not allow me to. I forced myself to smile, laugh, and act when there is light; to sleep, fight the urge to cry, and the dreams of ours at night. I listened to sad songs, suddenly so melodious to my ears, when it sang so closely related to my position now, it might have been written for me instead. And I wonder, were you doing the same thing?...

I wanted to tell you that I still missed you, that the magic is still here, that we could have keep on, but I fear what would happen again when I decided to pick myself instead of us, so i deny, even when you ask me again... You do not know how much tears I shed...

This letter, will never be read by you... Goodbye, my love... I'm sorry...

Great! The test are over, I don't have to think about them until school reopen again, which, by the way, is just a few days later... Anyway, I've just realized, no matter how much I'm good at my studies, it's hard to score a few A's this time because I'm not used to it yet, maybe things'll be different later, I hope. But I'm not here to submit a blog on my tests, it's a stupid idea. I'm quite furious a few days ago, because one of whom I thought was my best friend, just said **** at me. Imagined my anger. Oh please, I have never been through any thing as rude as this and it has to be my best friend, no, whom I thought WAS my best friend, who said it to me.

It happened on that night the polling results were out, I can still remember it was last Saturday, 8th of March. Me and my other friend who happened to be staying over at his house, used his computer to chat with me. So fine, we talk, chat, laugh, and finally reaching the forbidden topic, XT. Why is it forbidden? Ask him, he doesn't want anyone to know he has a crush on her. But hey, he was the one who went around telling people he has a secret and acting all mysterious, and he was the one who spilt out his own secret. You can't exactly blame us for wanting to have a bit of fun. And it was just a bit of provoke on my side! What about times when he had provoked me mercifully without knowing how much it hurts? What about times when he's being insensitive about my feelings and thought I was a robot with no feelings? NO! All was forgotten because to him, nothing is more important than him and his darling! Even his friends he forgo! I can't believe it took me so long to actually see through him! And I thought we were the best of friends! I was stupid, I know...

So finally, he erupted, said something rude to me, and I flared back. That was quite a natural response actually, considering my temper, I think I managed my anger pretty well really, and I prided myself on my behaviour at that time. I said the same thing back, yell a few plain truths at him, and I think it hurts, but hey, he started it. He had to provoke me first, and judging by the fact my computer was still intact and one-piece, I really am proud of myself.

Later I think he tried to explained himself by giving some really lame excuses he expect me to believed. Something like 'it wasn't me' or 'it was the first thing that pop out of my mind'. Yeah, right, if I did believed him, it'll be the first thing that pop out of my mind. The first thing that pop out of his mind had to be something rude like that?! And even if it was, he should have kept it to himself, he should've known it was too rude to be said to anyone, especially his friend! I just wonder what is his brain thinking, or merely he has none at all. Or merely he has never treat the friendship as something important, as something that should be kept nicely. He thought I would always be his friend. This is disrespectful! He does not even realized that friendship needs to be build on trust and respect. The same as love! No wonder he couldn't love. Not with the forbidden topic anyway.

So I don't believed him. No, not this time. As usual, when we fight or argue, he gives a very simple apology, I accepted, and we made up. Or I made the first move, and it's all forgotten. Inevitably, it made him thought that our friendship was not meant to be respected, after all, we always did made up no matter what. But no, this time, he went too far. I'd be nuts if I give him the easy route again. He'll have to learn the hard way that friendships is taking AND giving, not just taking all the time, even if it does mean we'll never be friends again. But I'm not going to be friends with someone who doesn't respect me or the friendship I valued above everything else. And I'll bet on it that he will never apologised. To him, he did nothing wrong. And he tried to make up, but has he ever thought how sincere he was at apologizing? Or was it merely to make me stop ranting? The answer would have been obvious. I don't need that kind of charity. I can do so much better.

It'll be final. I won't budge this time.

After Chinese New Year, suddenly my work load seems to rise rapidly. I couldn't keep up and there's too much to be done. Further more, I still have a debate to compete in. This wasn't the usual debates I took part in, it's the try-outs for the school team. I couldn't just let it go, it's a great opportunity for me to get out and watch how people, real debaters, debate in a real tournament. Anyway, the try-outs are on Tuesday, so me, Wooi King and Corrinne stayed back after school on Monday. To be exact, we stayed back not to discuss (okay... so maybe a little) but to chit-chat... And well, talk about our teenage troubles and feelings... Corrinne, obviously her troubles were always that... Wooi King, haha, he won't tell... And me, as usual, him... Corrinne and Wooi King knew about that obviously, and Corrinne's advice, be harsh, don't show that you feel sorry for him, just be harsh. At first I was reluctant, but then, hey, he's not bothering me yet, maybe I wouldn't need to be harsh after all, but on Valentine's Day, oh yeah, I finally cracked...

Valentine's Day this year, was... somewhat a little more sweeter than last year... At least this year I had someone to share it with, I'm still single of course, but spending Valentine's Day with a best friend, and maybe something more than that, is definitely sweeter rather than spending it alone... A simple 'Happy Valentine's Day' was enough, just enough to turn a hectic day and a miserable me, to smile... But he had to ruin it. All he had to do was to just pester me continously and it's ruined... ARGH! I never realized how much I hated him until now, I thought we could maybe try to be friends again, not best friends or good friends, but still, friends... And he took the wrong message! I can't believe it! I'd told him that we were just friends, and he still chose not to give up. I know some people will consider it an act of enormous courage, but has he ever thought of my feelings? Has he ever realized that it might seriously damaged what little was left between us? Has he ever stopped to think how much it can affect my life? NO! He just did it because he thought it was romantic not to give up and that perhaps one day I'll look back and realized he's the best! But it only makes me think that how immature he can be! He has never stopped to think about what is better for all of us, he just did it just because it suited him! He likes it! Well I don't. And this Valentine's Day, I make sure I stop that once and for all...

From Wednesday to Thursday my inbox was full of his what so ever Valentine's messages. From something like 'You still don't know that I love you' to the ever old-fashioned 'I love you'. I kept wondering who pays his phone bills? His parents? If it is then I hope he got into big trouble for sending too many text messages. Anyway, he got even more daring and started trying to strike up a conversation with me by sending messages like 'Good evening, I'm bored. What are you doing?' (which is what he sent to me EVERYDAY!!!) I didn't reply back (why should I? I'm not going to waste money text messaging him with nothing to say and facing an annoying guy) He got bolder, maybe angrier, and sent another one 'Are you there????' Excuse me?! Who is he to talk to me like that? Who is he to think that he can control me? He's had it once and he still wants to play with fire, well fine, giving him a piece of my mind wouldn't hurt. So I sent back a text message. 'Wat?! Wat do you want? Say it fast and say it now. I still have other things to worry without having you to add on my troubles.' And guess what that 'courageous' dummy said? 'I can tell you are not happy right now. I'll talk to you later.' Oh that FOOL! 'Why, suddenly you are not as stupid as you seemed, and that's not a compliment. Suddenly you can tell I'm not happy to talk to you whereas everyday you still try to pester me. So fine, I'll come clean. No, I'm not happy to talk to you, I tried to be friends but this is stupid, so no, we are not friends, nothing else. And oh please, I know why you kept sending messages to me today. You just wanted me to wish you Valentine's Day, but no, I won't. I don't see the point of it and it would be just wasting my time. Other than that, we have nothing else to talk about, so, goodbye.' See?! I was so harsh to him, haha, and he never reply! I suceeded in making him go away! Go me, go me, haha... I know I felt somewhat bad, but hey, if this kind of action allows me to get rid of a pest, then why not? So overall, this Valentine's Day, really was something special...

It looks as if several years have passed before I updated my blog. But life wasn't as easy as I had expected. Turning sixteen and moving to Form 4 had a lot of changes and I'm still trying to settle down. Things changed as people grew older. Things I never imagined would have happened did, and some of them turned out quite unexpected. Life is full of changes, yeah, I know that, but I never thought it could be so much at one time. Sure I expected it to be hard, just not so hard. I can't believe it how much homework I can get in one day, sometimes I have to stay up til midnight and I just managed half of it! And now what with the PRS society and Karate both had events coming up, I could've fainted under the pressure! It was lucky my mum taught me to become strong, or else the pressure would've been unbearable.

Still, I had other things to worry about. Wednesday I had an arguement with 'teddy'. No, actually, not an arguement, merely I didn't approved of his behaviour. We sat together in chemistry lab today, but his so-called best friends kept saying he's unloyal to him, snatching away someone else's girlfriend. Hello? I have a life, I'm not his girlfriend, and oh, did I mention I hate people who try to control me? I have the right to be friends with who ever I like and what I did with my life is none of his business. But apparantly he's too dumb to understand. Anyway, I got angry with 'teddy' for trying to avoid me. I thought I am doing the right thing, but it turns out that I was miserable and hurt for two whole days, Wednesday and Thursday. In the end, when he appologized again, we made up and laugh over our stupidity. We became even better than before, so in a way, this quarrel did something good as well, haha. But there's one thing that I regret, that is during the time when I was angry with 'teddy', I gave my phone number to him, that's when I realized I was stupid. Yeah, and now, I just couldn't get rid of him, lucky this time I had 'teddy' who stand by me and help me along, or else I might have break under the strain. I just know, maybe one day, when I'm older, I'll never regret knowing 'teddy' and being best friends with him. Hey, he's a good, no, great friend... maybe even more...

It's funny, sometimes, a simple hello, can evolved into a friendship, and maybe if you're lucky, to something more complex and intimate. To me, after that experience, I would have much prefered a friendship, because I knew I like the freedom of being a bachelorette. Well, I got my wish. I can't believe I would find a friend, no, best friend, in 'teddy'. I used to think, since they were friends, that he would stick up to him and disagree with my decision. But things can suprise you sometimes. He, well, let's just say he was more open-minded, and he knew the relationship wouldn't last anyway. Mainly it's a one-way relationship. I'm sorry to be honest about that, but it's true, I never give anything. I just take. I realise that, yeah, that's why I quit. He might want to win the game, but I don't want to play. And 'teddy' knew and understands as well. I am grateful. I found out that I am actually quite a lucky girl. I have real friends. Friends that will stay true and not used me. A real friendship. Hey, I've always known I am lucky, I just never stopped to think how much...

By the way, I heard a song, and I think it suits me and him... really...

Gotta go my own way
I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us, doesn't seem right, these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan,
Is always rearranged

I'm leaving today, 'cuz I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up, and I watch them fall, every time
Another colour turns to grey
And it's just too hard to watch it all
Slowly fade away

I'm leaving today, 'cuz I've got to do what's best for me
You'll be okay

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

What about us? What about everything we've been through?
What about trust?
You know I never wanted to hurt you
And what about me?
What am I supposed to do?
I gotta leave but I'll miss you

So...
I've got tp move on and be who I am
Why do you have to go?
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
I'm trying to understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I want you to stay
I wanna go my own way

I've got to move on and be who I am
What about us?
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
I'm trying to understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way
Gotta go my own way
Gotta go my own way
Gotta go my own way

It's been quite a while since I updated my blog, but anyway, here's the latest. School starts on January the 3rd, my mum and I agreed to be early to school as it tends to get a traffic jam on the first day. I'm now studying in 4S4, science class, learning everything from my favourite 3 kinds of science subject to the ever boring and useless history (BLEK!). You can't believe who I'm studying with in class this year, him. Him and a bunch of his friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying their bad, just sometimes annoying. But him, yeah, definitely way wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen. This was supposed to be my sweet sixteen year. Why did he had to come butting along, ruining everything?! I know that even after what happened, I should've just let go and be friends, just friends. Like what everyone else kept telling me to. But I'm not everyone, I couldn't. Everytime I saw him, I just wanted to avoid him. Avoid that ugly scene... Still, life goes on, I'm not wasting all my energy avoiding whenever I can just because of a stupid past. I live my life, and with or without him this year, I'll make sure it will be my sweetest sixteen year ever.